Moonlaser Reviews – Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

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“It’s high noon at the end of the universe.”

a81964ff521e74f92dbe92d5171e3244This Charles Band (Puppet Master, Trancers) production is similar to a number of others we’ve talked about here. It comes from that classic period of terribly cheesy, sci-fi madness that I had only read about until recently. Spaceships, hover-crafts, blasters, grizzled heroes with just the right amount of facial scruff, all held together by horrific special effects.

But it’s still a fun one.

SYNOPSIS: Dogen, a space ranger, is after a crazed, intergalactic villain known as Jared-Syn. Syn is collecting human souls to power a large crystal that will allow him to…do something. Destroy the world…hold dominion over the galaxy…not sure. In his corner are his son, Baal–a green man with a metal arm that shoots hallucinogenic ooze–and an army of mindless space rabble who believe Syn is the messiah. On his quest to stop Syn, Dogen gathers together a motley team: Dhyana, a miner whose father has been killed by Syn; Hurok, a cyclopean warrior; and Rhodes, the film’s requisite Hans Solo stand-in. Together they set out to put a stop to Jared-Syn’s lunacy before…something happens.

This film has all the trappings of a great piece of schlocky fun. The hover-crafts are in the sky. The cheesy monsters are traveling through dreamscapes to attack the unsuspecting. The laser blasters are hanging on every hip…and yet Metalstorm doesn’t quite deliver the good time you think you should be having.

There’s a pacing problem for starters. Way too many drawn out shots of desert. I stared at a silhouette of our hero walking along the horizon for nearly a minute and wondered if the creators had been worried about the film’s length, fluffing it here and there to make it a feature. We don’t get enough backstory to really care for the characters or, in some cases, understand what they’re even trying to do. This one definitely leans on its source material–Mad Max, Star Wars, Dune–hoping fans already sold by the poster art will be too enwrapped  in the film’s visual similarities to these other, more popular films to notice it lacks an engaging story as well as charismatic or even passable acting performances.

That said, no reasonable person watches a film called Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn with their Judgy Mcjudgerson hats on, am I right? So don’t do it, friends. Just watch the movie and try to have a good time.

She Who Wears the Flesh of Her Enemies has made her decree:

she who wears

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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